My Suicide Attempt

Last night I had a way too familiar feeling of a dream.  Unfortunately, to me, I believe it could end up being true.  Well, parts of it.  I have always since one of my childhood birthdays have always felt left out. Never included in anything.  Well today at the age of 33, I still feel the same.  Not only that I feel like a loner, I feel that nobody likes me and that I possibly have done something to make others hate me, but don't know for the life of me what that could be.  And as hard as I try, I can't get over those feelings.  People always tell me "just don't worry about it" or "don't let it bug you"  BUT MY MIND WON'T LET ME.  I've tried numerous times and it just makes me feel worse.

Then a few years ago I moved into what I thought was going to be the biggest blessing in my life and it turned into my hell.  I made friends, and a lot of them.  Something I have never had.  (Thought I had once but then I got pregnant out of wed lock and the friends I needed most turned their backs on me.  I was a bad influence.)  This neighborhood was AMAZING. At the beginning I made 2 amazing friends, or so I thought.  I was having a LOT of problems then and I would complain my problems to them wanting some support, someone to say "It's ok Stacey, We love you no matter what"  But that backfired and my amazing friends turned their backs on me once again.  I couldn't handle it, they meant more to me at that time then they could ever even imagine and I cried everyday because I just complained to much.  I thought I could go to them to tell them my problems but they did not like that at all.  So once again I lost friends, I was a complainer they said and nothing but "high school drama".  All I wanted was them to listen to my point of view but it was the wrong one because they couldn't see it that way. 
 Then my sister had her "accident" and the friends I needed the most weren't there for me.  I struggled hard, really hard.  Not one phone call, not one visit to see how I was doing, NOTHING!  I felt as if these "friends" were bad mouthing me to the neighborhood because NO ONE came over but I had heard that they announced it at church so it's not like they didn't know.  Then Chad ended up in the hospital around the same time for his appendix and once again I needed a friend and I had NO ONE.  My anxiety went through the roof.  I was on medication to help but some days it just was so much to handle that it would take over me.

Then there is always family drama in my house hold.  Someone got mad about something and I got the blame for it ALWAYS.  Why me, I guess it's easy to blame me cause I take it so personal.  I have tried all my life to be nice to others and bend my back to help those in need.  It always seems to backfire and I get the brunt of it.  Or I make a simple statement of FB and someone reads it totally wrong and then posts some negative crap on it like "why doesn't everyone grow up and stop airing their dirty laundry on FB for everyone to see".  When all it was was a statement, nothing personal.  When I need someone the most I don't have anyone.  I can't trust anyone.  I have 2 sisters that I can talk to but sometimes it doesn't help.   They understand but it just makes me more upset so I feel I can't tell anyone anything. Some days it all builds up inside to where I can't take it anymore and so I attempted suicide on May 27th, 2012.  I couldn't handle the feelings I am always having, I couldn't handle all the negativity I got from people from reading a STUPID Facebook post wrong and making negative comments.  My comments aren't always negative, they are just thoughts, written down. Kinda like a journal but where I share with others.  BIG MISTAKE.

Then every time I think something is going good I get a big slap in the face.

May 27th 2012 I had the worst anxiety attack every.  I was SO SO tired of crying, crying out for that friend I didn't have, tired of the blame for the most stupidest thing ever and I couldn't handle it anymore.  I'm tired of feeling the way I do. Feeling disliked by so many.  I have deleted a ton of people off my Facebook and sad to say most were family.  Friends come and go but you will always have your family, or so I thought.  So one night when I couldn't take anymore, I was extremely tired, tired of the crying, Just tired!  So I took 3 of my sleeping pills, Well more like 1 1/2 because I only take 1/2 pill at night, because I was so tired, so tired that I just wanted to sleep and not wake up.  I then tried to dump the bottle of them down my throat but Chad was too fast and took them from me and immediately called 911.  I don't remember much.  I ended up in the Provo Canyon Behavioral Hospital for 4 days, which for me felt like jail.   I went to a lot of therapy sessions, which helped but not enough because I still get these feelings of hate.  Hate towards me.  Still the negativity.  I still feel like I don't have "True" friends, well 1 but it's a new "relationship" and I don't know how much trust I can give to her.  My 2 sisters are great but sometimes you just need someone outside of the family.  

I try not to make any friends anymore cause I am afraid to lose them to my complaints about the struggles I have in my life.
I feel like I can't Trust anyone.

Then the day after I got out of the hospital I went into work to talk about coming back to work.  Instead of that I got Terminated.  The story has changed now 3 times of the reason I was fired, fired from a job that I absolutely loved.  I probably would have worked there the rest of my life if I hadn't of got fired for being in the hospital.

I know I need therapy but I don't have the insurance I need until next month, so I am waiting.  If I go and have to pay for therapy then that gives me MORE anxiety. It's not helping  but I got to do what I got to do and try not to have these feelings all the time.
  I DON'T want to go to LDS social services, for my own reasons, so please don't tell me to.

Now to make matters worse, My sister I have missed so much is coming home for a visit and will be here for a week. Now that I lost my job I have NO money to do anything with.  Yeah there are free things but we talked about going shopping and to dinner, which cost money.  Money I don't have.  It HURTS so bad. I have been having my anxiety for days now trying to find a way to come up with some money so I can go shopping with her and at least buy something for myself, Like selling my fridge, washer and dryer, and a few more things. That's always good therapy but I don't have that either.
Part of the problem is that my Van once again broke down at the most inconvenient time.  Monday I got to come up with at least $350 for just the radiator part, not talking about the labor, so even with my pills I have more anxiety.  How do I come up with that?

I have recently signed up for school.  I hope it will help me keep my mind off the negative in my life and not add to it so I can pursue a career that I can grow with.   Be the person I want to be.

I just want to be LOVED and feel LOVED!