More Info on my suicide attempt

When I did my post it was 4 in the morning cause I couldn't sleep.  All I was doing was thinking of the things that had happened that week.  I also wanted to share my story so others can know what someone like me goes through to even attempt something like that.  I have never thought in my wildest dreams that I would even try.  Nobody really knows what someone feels inside.  ON the outside it may seem everything is ok, that is why I try to not judge someone.  People here in Utah are way to judgmental and as soon as my husband is out of school.  (Oh yeah me too) then we are out of here!  I want to be surrounded by people that aren't so judgmental.

Anyways, here is what happened....  It was a very hard day for me I was crying a lot and my meds just weren't working.  Yes, there were thoughts that if I was dead I wouldn't have to feel like this anymore but I would never think I would try to do something to end my life.  I take 3 pills every night.  Zoloft, Cymbalta, and Ambien.  Have you heard stories about ambien?  They are crazy.  I would only take 1/2 a pill because when I took a full pill I would have crazy dreams and do weird things in my sleep.  All my pills in my medicine container were all cut in 1/2.  That night I was just plain exhausted so I wanted to get a good night sleep.  So instead of taking my normal 1/2 pill I took 2- 1/2 pills (whole).  A while later when it took effect I guess I got up and went to take another pill not realizing what I was doing.  By the way this is all according to my husband, I don't remember much.  So I grabbed the other bottle and said "I'll be dead by morning" and tried to dump the whole bottle down me.  But my husband grabbed it fast enough that I couldn't.  I guess another 1/2 pill fell onto the pillow so I hurried and grabbed it and swallowed.  Chad had no idea how many I took so he immediately dialed 911.  My intentions were just out of my control.  I have lots of stories I could share that I did while I was on a full ambien.

I want to share this part because there is NO way a pill and 1/2 will kill someone period.  I know I scared my husband and I am so sorry to scare him and my kids.  I love them way to much to do something like that.  I am now on different meds.  Abilify and Cymbalta and it seems to be helping a lot.  Oh and instead of ambien I take Temazapan which is a TON better.  I can go to sleep, not do weird things and wake up feeling refreshed.  I also usually wake up around 6:30.  That is crazy early for me.  But now I will be wide awake to get my kids off to school without feeling drained.

I have some friends that don't judge me and I am so thankful for them.  My last post was about my feelings but I now know that the friends I have 1 being my sister love me no matter what and are there for me no matter what.  They don't judge me or tell me nasty things.  They love me for who I am.

You know who you are!  Love you guys to pieces and thanks for always being there and not judging me or try to change me.

Life is good too good to leave this early!

I have always tucked my kids in at night and told them how much I love them (plus throughout the day).  I will never change that.


(Please keep the comments positive or I will not post them.  Thanks)